ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
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Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
✌️
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.