@benedictsred

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

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@TheHyyyype

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

@TheToddWilliams

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

@_maybe_not_ever

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

@stevevsninjas

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

@MooseAllain

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

@TheHyyyype

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

@NurseMurderer

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

@WilliamAder

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@UncleDuke1969

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.