My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Me: I made a cake!
Me: It’s chocolate.