Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
You Might Also Like
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
All. The. Damn. Time.