@TheHyyyype My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
@benedictsred Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
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@TheHyyyype 
@TheToddWilliams GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
@_maybe_not_ever how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
@stevevsninjas Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
@MooseAllain In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
@TheHyyyype friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
@NurseMurderer I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
@cookie_mumbles who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
@WilliamAder Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
@UncleDuke1969 [office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.