Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
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Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!