Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
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let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of