Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
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*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB