Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
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If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Discuss
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband