Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
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I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
yea so i messed up lol
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Children of the corn 🌽
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back