Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
You Might Also Like
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.