Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
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My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin