Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”