ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
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I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.