me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
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my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
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HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
this is 10/10 content no notes
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am