Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
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Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.