Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
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I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.