Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
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Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years