me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
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So, I got banned from the toy store today…
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple