Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
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I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)