Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
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just witnessed a drug deal
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
🙅🏻
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I’ll be mad as hell!
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
The two types of wives
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
What kind of a cult is this?
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.