Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
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Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist