Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
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ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
live, laugh, laundry.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*