Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
It do be feeling this way.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.