Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
You Might Also Like
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”