Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
i dont have time for this
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU