@ElKnuckelhombre

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

You Might Also Like

@david8hughes

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

@kryzazzy

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

@KeetPotato

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

@Tmoney68

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@pointsymmetric

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@JeffMyspace

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

@markedly

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

@spinereader

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

@david8hughes

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then