Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

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[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.


Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa


me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”


Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.


One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.


The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.


Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.


[5th Century]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch


why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone


[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then