Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
You Might Also Like
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.