ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
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To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace