Me: OK Fine. π°βπ³π³ cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
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For Halloween Iβm going as an emotional roller coaster.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
β½οΈyes
β½οΈno
βΎοΈother (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright donβt panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because Iβm very inconsistent]
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Hey sorry I canβt make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and weβre going to go look at him
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. Thereβs a lovely key change at the end.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape