When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Don’t you start.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?