me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
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[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
oh my god
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.