Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
You Might Also Like
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My blood type is b hungry.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.