Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
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damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
What personal space?
My dog
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
You learn something every day
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.