Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
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You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.