ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
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I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?