Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
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End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?