Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
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[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse