Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
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Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*