me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
The Joker was right
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
#catsoftwitter
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…