Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
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Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away