Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar