Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
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just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Lassie, get help!
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
#parenting
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why