ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
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Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me: