@st__arving

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

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@TheBoydP

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

@ThugRaccoons

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

@Snikoggs

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

@notalogin

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

@chapel3929

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

@LuckyLea13

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

@QwertyJones3

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

@ojedge

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

@withanewname

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by