Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
You Might Also Like
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle