Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
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I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?