ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
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“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Finally!
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.