ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
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20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.