Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
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“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Doggies just call it style.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.