ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
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I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Meow
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.