ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
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My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?