@panmidwest

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

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@lisaxy424

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

@cnnbrk

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

@13spencer

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

@Jenny4ashley

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

@goodgrief_rats

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

@TheAlexNevil

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

@robfee

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

@UncleDuke1969

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.