Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
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Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!