Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
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once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
*frowns in Scottish*
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.